Okay, okay. It's my jam!
So? Yo.
You gonna show me your moves?
Oh, my God, she got the flags out.
I can't dance for shit. Can you?
Hell, no.
Look at these guys, man. They're freaking Travoltas!
Gay guys know how to dance good. It's like the law or some shit.
Get in the circle right now!
Yeah, it's gonna be a blast.
Any second, man. Glad to be here.
I can't wait. I can't wait!
Look at this.
Hey, the butterfly's coming out of his cocoon again.
That's my brother!
This is his jam! It is his jam.
Kevin's having fun.
I didn't need to see that.
I'm flying!
We gotta look good at this.
It's showtime, boys!
Whoa!
I'm sorry!
No, it's part of it.
All right, Larry, get up. That's it, that's it, that's it.
We're busted, dude, we're busted.
Let's go junior high on their ass.
Junior high?
Yeah. Let's do this.
Okay.
Is it working?
I don't know. I'm afraid to look up.
I think it is. I think it is.
Oh, my God.
We really pulled this one out of our asses.
Bad choice of words, there, Larry. Bad choice of words.
Hey, Chuck, Larry. We got a basketball game every Tuesday night at 6:00.
If you guys want to play, the butterfly knows how to get hold of us.
Okay, right on. Thank you. Thank you. Yeah, we'll give you a buzz.
Nice to meet you guys.
Sinners and fornicators! We are not here in anger!
We are here to save you from eternal damnation!
Hey, buddy!
Wait, come on already! This is a private event.
Now, give it a rest.
Aren't you worried about where you'll spend eternity?
This is what these guys do on a Saturday night?
They just want everyone to be as miserable as they are.
Gay is not the way! Gay is not the way! Gay is not the way!
It's over, baby.
Gay is not the way! Gay is not the way!
Hey, hey! You heard the man. It's a private party, so take a walk.
This is a public sidewalk. We have every right to be here!
And we have every right to be queer!
Yeah!
Homosexuality is an abomination.
Hey, news flash, man. That jacket's an abomination.
Gay is the way! Gay is the way! Gay is not the way!
Hey, what makes you think that you have the right to dictate
how other people live their lives?
I'm a minister. I'm allowed to preach in any public forum.
Well, I'm a fireman.
I say you're blocking emergency access, so let's call it a night, guys.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! You're a fireman?
You are a disgrace!
You're a flamer, is what you are.
All right, oh, my God. There's no reasoning with these people.
Just let it go. Just let it go. Just let it go.
Come on, come on. Let it go, guys.
Have a good day. See you later.
Faggots.
I'm sorry? What did you call me?
Oh, I called you a faggot.
Faggot.
For your information, the accepted vernacular is "gay."
Homos, one. Crazy people, zero. Official score.
Gentlemen, I have a very simple philosophy.
What you shove up your ass is your own business.
Captain... Shut up.
Now, it's not my style to get involved in the personal lives of my firemen.
And if sometimes I've given you
the impression that I'm your friend, I apologize.
However, I seriously doubt that you two are banging each other.
You and Paula, the most beautiful couple I ever laid eyes on.
And you, if my pencil sharpener had a skirt, I'd have to hide it.
Look, do you have any idea of the stress an administrative position entails?
I've already got a prostate the size of a cantaloupe.
And now, thanks to you two bozos,
I've got the Pension Department pissing up my chimney,
not to mention every flaming fruit bat south of Poughkeepsie
that wants to come down here to our house and slide up and down our pole!
We should tell him the truth. We'll tell him the truth.
lx-nay on the uth-tray!
I don't want to hear about it.
And if this marriage is something you've cooked up
in response to this pension problem, you are not taking me down with you.
I will report you. You will go to jail,
where you won't have to pretend to be gay,
because your asses'll be busier than a test bench in a plunger factory.
I just wanted to thank you again for what you did at the fundraiser.
Oh, yeah, that was no big deal.
You sound a little down. Where's Larry?
He's at school with the kids, doing the Career Day thing.
So does that mean that you can have a girl's day with me?
A girl's day? Yeah.
I need some new shoes, new underwear.
Girl's day!
Uh-huh.
Girl's day! Sure.
I'll pick you up.
So, by trading in pre-refunded municipal bonds,
we can offer our clients triple tax-exempt returns.
Any questions?
There never are.
Thank you, Mr. Auerbach, for that very nice trip down Wall Street.
Our next parent is Larry Valentine, Tori's father.
Hi, everybody! I am a firefighter,
and I'm proud to be one because it's my job to protect the community
and make sure it's a safe environment for all.
Whoa! We got some questions already.
Yeah.
I don't like girls, either. Does that mean I'm gay, too?
No, no.
You were married to a woman, right?
Yes.
Does that mean you're half-lesbian?
Kids, Mr. Valentine is here to talk about his career today, okay?
Mr. Valentine? You said you're a fireman.
Yes, that is correct.
Do you have two jobs?
Because my dad said that you're also a butt pirate.
Larry.
Steve.
Rough crowd, huh?
Kids. Yeah.
So, listen. We're all set for the Boy Scout overnight this month.
Oh, great. We're all set?
No, we're all set, like we don't need any more fathers.
All right, well, then, I guess I'll see you at Little League, then, all right?
Oh, you know what? We're good.
We are good.
No, no, no, we're not good.
We don't need you for Little League. We're good.
Okay, Steve, what's going on? I signed up to coach three months ago.
Larry, I don't want to get into this with you here.
Hey, you know what, Steve? You're really starting to piss me off.
I'm trying to get Eric interested in baseball.
That kid interested in baseball?
You got a better chance getting Colonel Sanders interested
in a hamburger, buddy.
Fight! Fight! Fight!
Your dad's gay and so are you.
Oh, my hair! Oh, my hair, my hair!
Oh, my clothes!
Oh, am I frizzy? I'm getting frizzy!
You asshole! Go back to Jersey! You can go back to Jersey!
Come on, honey! Please open the door!
Whoa, nice pad.
Oh, thank you.
Hey, you are soaked. Do you want to borrow a sweatshirt or something?
No, no. I'm great, I'm great. Thank you.
Okay, but I am freezing, so...
What are you doing there?
Well, it's wet.
Actually, you know what? I'll take that sweatshirt.
Oh, yeah.
Thanks.
So, that's a great body you got there. I mean,
it could be the best body I've ever seen in my life.
Shut up.
Besides Larry's. But yours...
Your tush looks like it's made of muscle,
and Larry's is made of pudding and Quarter Pounders
and God knows what.
Well, these are real, by the way. I mean, nobody thinks they are.
Everyone thinks they're fake, but they are real.
Alex. You don't gotta lie to me. We're two girls hanging out. Come on.
You kidding me? There's no silicone here, I swear.
Oh, no big deal if they are or not. I don't care.
I've got nothing to hide. Feel them.
Feel them? Feel them.
I mean, I...
I have a...
I'd rather feel a flabby man pec, to be honest with you,
but in the name of science, if you need me to hold
your bodacious Bahama mamas,
or whatever the guys call them nowadays, I'll do it.
Yes, go ahead. Oh!
Well?
Yeah, they're real.
Told you.
And creamy.
And fun.
For someone who would like something like this, this is...
But to me, it's, like, ew.
I just got a little nauseous there, touching them. That's funny.
You want a bite?
No, no, no. Feeling them's enough.
I'll do that again.
No, no, I meant food. Are you hungry?
Oh! I'm sorry.
Yeah, no... Just...
That was funny.
Nice, nice.
Wait a minute, wait a minute. Me and Nootzie against you three guys.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You don't want to play?
Hey, Chuckie, I gotta be honest with you.
You play real physical defense, and none of us want you copping a feel
or rubbing up against the old boosh-cadoosh here.
Just 'cause you're gay doesn't mean that you're horny for every guy you meet.
Oh, really? 'Cause every time you covered me in the past,
I feel like you were grab-assing on me.
Yeah. Let the WNBA play. Come on.
Fine, go.
Unbelievable.
Oh, God.
What, you want to mess with me, too?
Huh? You want to mess with the queer?
'Cause this queer don't take shit from nobody. Let's go, then.
You ready? I'm a fireman, man! I ain't afraid of nothing!
Put your fists down.
Me, too.
You, too?
You, too, what?
I'm gay.
I can't believe I finally said it.
Oh, God, it feels so good.
It's just like a wave is crashing over me.
It's so liberating.
Oh, yeah.
Do you remember the first time you said it?
First time I said... Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I was with Larry.
Your lover. Yeah.
Who, by the way, is absolutely gorgeous.
Oh, thanks.
He's mine, though, so...
Oh, no, that's your man.
Mmm-hmm.
Yeah.
My whole life I've been living a lie.
But you and Larry have given me the strength to be true to myself.
"To thine own self be true."
There's nothing worse than pretending to be something that you're not.
Yeah. Yeah, well, I'm glad. I'm glad we helped you out,
and anything else we can do, you don't hesitate to ask.
Would you help me tell my parents?
I guess.
Yes!
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Oh, yes, yes, yes, girl!
Hey, did you guys catch that Mets game last night?
They got a shot of my cousin throwing a beer at the ump.
I missed it. Took my sister to the electrolysis place
for a second opinion.
They said there's nothing they could do.
What the hell is so funny?
No!
Pick that up, would you?
I ain't picking that up!
You want my soap, Renaldo? Right here.
Hey, Tony, give me your soap.
No. I don't share soap. Too many germies.
Come on, give me the damn bar of soap!
Get out of here! Get out of here!
Who's gonna do it?
Hey, how you doing?
Hey, Duncan.
I'll tell you about that later.
'Cause I'm every woman It's all in me
Anything you want now, baby I'll do it naturally
Let me hear you say it
Lawrence.
Oh, a little louder
Everybody sing now
I can't hear you sing
All right, yours is done.
Yours, too.
All right, take a look. Okay.
"Girlz Rule" with a "Z."
This is so awesome.
I hope you like yours.
Let's see here.
"Friends forever."
Anything with forever and you in it sounds pretty good to me.
This is great. Just slide her on.
You know what's still bugging me, though?
That those Guidos wouldn't even let you play basketball with them.
We could get a court order and have them suspended in two seconds.
Court order? No, no, no. These guys are good guys.
They're just having problems adjusting.
Calm down. Relax. Finish your wine.
Come on.
Okay.
You're right. You're right. Yeah.
But you know what would really help me to relax?
Is a foot rub.
Please. Please. You'll be my bestest friend.
Oh, they're good. Yeah, I can handle it. Give me these.
You know, I love that you're a chubby chaser, by the way.
A chubby what-what?
Well, you know, Larry's heavyset.
I mean, is that the type of guy you've always been attracted to?
No, he's my first fatty.
Yeah, you guys really seem like you have a lot of sexual chemistry.
I float his boat and he sinks mine.
Yeah, I've never had that, really had that, with anybody before. I just...
I don't even know if I know what I'm doing.
What?
I'm serious. Come on.
Give me some moves. How do you turn Larry on?
How do I turn Larry on?
I mean, to get him into bed, of course, I just lay a pizza out...
No! ...and he comes running.
Really. Seriously.
Well, he likes it when I rub his big, hairy earlobe.
That gets him crazy.
Really?
Yeah, it's a spot of his.
Try it on me.
Try it on you? Yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
You know, I just grab it and...
Usually when I do this to Larry, he's like, boing! You know?
I love it. You do?
Yeah. Like that?
Sure, sure, yeah, yeah, yeah, work both hands. I like that.
And then you can go to some hair-pulling, right about like that.
Like that? Yeah.
Oh, yeah, let him know you're there, know what I mean?
And then the slap out of nowhere is good.
That is good. Uh-huh.
Yeah. Not Ultimate Fighting kind of smacking.
Just light and sexual and fun. Sorry.
How did you get to be so good at all this?
I don't know. A lot of practice I guess.
I used to be kind of a jerk.
But then you meet somebody special
who makes you not want to be a jerk anymore.
Actually, it makes you want to give everything you got to that one person.
Yeah. You know, it's true when women say that all of the good men are
either gay or married.
And of course, I'm hanging out with one who's both.
Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Just for the record, though,
if I wasn't so into chubby hubbies
or chunky monkeys... What did you say again?
Chubby chaser.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
I would be just so all over you.
Oh, come on. No way.
Are you kidding me? Look at you.
You're gorgeous, and you're smart, you're passionate, funny.
I'm just so happy I met you.
Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Friends. Friends forever.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God, what are we doing?
Whoa, whoa, whoa. No, no, no. Hey, hey, Alex.
I just never felt this way about a woman before.
Because you're gay.
And you're married. And you're my client.
This is so wrong!
No, it's not about right or wrong,
or gay or straight, or hard or soft. It's...
Wow.
No! I can't see you.
I can't see you. Except as a client.
Alex, don't say that. Please?
I believe in marriage. I believe in what it represents.
I betrayed you. I betrayed Larry! Oh, my God, poor Larry!
Larry, he's a great guy, but I gotta be honest with you, our marriage is...
All he does is watch his baseball games, and, like, I don't even exist anymore!
You have to go. I'm sorry.
He hits me, though.
I'm so sorry. Please, please, please go.
Hey!
What the hell's going on out here?
Nothing. I'm just draining a few buckets with Eric and Tori over here,
making small talk, you know?
You'd think on such a nice day,
your husband would want to spend time with his family.
Where is he, anyway? Is he out straight-bashing again?
No, he's at his mother's. He's taking her to the movies.
No, Daddy. He's with that smoking hot lawyer lady
he always talks about when you're not around.
He is?
Hey!
I just felt a breeze, Mr. Valentine,
and that breeze is blowing straight towards justice.
Hey, guys, we got a perpetrator lodged in the air duct.
Apparently tried to break in last night, got stuck.
You're the guys from the newspaper, right?
Yeah, that's us. All right, well, then you're gonna love this.
The guy got stuck upside-down, so his ass is still hanging out for you.
That's pretty funny. Did your moustache come up with that?
Oh, I'm sorry, I don't speak Gayanese.
Hey, anybody! You gotta get me out of here!
I just peed on my face!
All right, relax, buddy, I'm here to help.
Unlike some people around here, who only help themselves.
Who are you talking about? You.
Why? What happened?
Fitzer came by today, and Tori told him about
your obsession with our hot-ass lawyer.
Obsession? What? What? What is she talking about?
Don't even give me that, Mr. I'm Taking My Mom To A Movie.
You know what? Maybe if you were around today,
Fitzer would actually think that, I don't know, you like me.
Hey, man, I gotta lie to you!
Thanks to you, I gotta lie to everybody!
Especially Alex! I can't be honest with her!
I can't even get close to her. I can't even have freaking fun with her!
Why can't you have fun with me? We always used to have fun. I just...
Because you've changed!
Ever since you forced me to marry you,
you're so goddamn controlling.
You don't act like my freaking husband, you act like my boss.
"Don't do this!" "Don't do that!" "Hey, what time you coming home tonight?"
You're smothering me, man! I can't freaking breathe!
What you guys need is a bubble bath.
Shut up!
Idiot, the only reason you're feeling that way is because you're afraid of feeling trapped.
That's what happens when you get married!
Fat-ass, we're not really married!
I'm just in some gay, crazy nightmare!
Yeah, that you can't commit to, 'cause you can't commit to anything!
I swear to God, I feel like I'm the only one who's trying to make this thing work!
Work! That's right, it's become work! This relationship is work!
Face it, we are not supposed to be together.
I found somebody I really want to be with.
Instead of being jealous of that, why don't you do the same?
Because I still love my wife.
Well, move on already.
Your house is like a freaking shrine to Paula!
One of these days you gotta get a real wife,
one that your kids don't gotta lie about every two seconds.
No, you can't keep it in your pants for five minutes,
and that's why we're so screwed up now!
Whoa, back up, buddy. You know why we're in this jam.
'Cause you can't open your freaking mail!
Everything with Paula's name on it gets tossed in a desk
and filed under "Too painful to deal with"!
Guys, could you at least call another fire department?
What is your rush, idiot? You're going straight to jail anyway.
You know what? I cannot deal with sleeping next to your stupid, ugly face tonight.
So don't bother coming in the bedroom.
Oh, wouldn't dream of it, honey.
You are a lousy best friend and a shitty husband!
Hey! For the record, every time I laughed at one of your jokes,
I was faking it.
You're a monster!
Oh, my God, it's Mr. February!
I love you, I love you, I love you!
I love you!
Wow, that's a gay bracelet.
I hope Fitzer sees that.
Shut up.
You needed to see us?
Shut the door.
You know, for the first time this month,
I pissed without spraying in all three urinals at once,
so I was in a relatively good mood.
Until I received this.
Seems the guys in the company took a meeting.
They all signed that petition requesting that I transfer you both out of here.
What? And you're gonna listen to these idiots?
I'm not gonna do it, but I have to do something
to keep the peace.
Now, personally, I think it's just a matter of time
before your little act gets busted. Until then, you're on separate shifts.
What? Separate shifts?
Hey, we've been together forever!
So were my balls, and now I only have one of them.
What?
Valentine, go to work. Levine, go home.
Hey, fellas!
Hey. Heard you guys have been circulating a petition.
You mind if I take a look at it?
Oh, what do you know? I got it right here.
It's impressive. Lot of names.
Let's go down the list, see who we got here.
Nootzie! Hey, you remember that time Chuck and I ran back in that textile plant
and dragged your limp body out?
Even though Chuck's leg was broken, like, in three different places?
I mean, that was pretty freaking gay of Chuck, huh?
Wow. Renaldo!
Man, I remember your first day on the job.
Remember you were so scared you actually crapped yourself?
And Chuck and I, we snuck you back in here,
we cleaned you up so nobody'd find out.
You begged us not to tell anyone, and did we?
Let's ask.
You guys hear that story before right now? Show of hands?
No, but it's hilarious.
Yeah, it is hilarious.
Tony! Nice signature.
Hey, is that the same one you used to endorse the check that Chuck gave you
when you gambled away your mortgage payment on college football?
I guess his money wasn't too gay to bail you out
or keep your wife from leaving you again.
Again?
I guess Chuck's not enough of a man
to work next to big strong heroes like you guys.
Oh, look at that. Fire.
Well, I hope it's not a bad one,
'cause the faggot who's been saving your sorry asses
is now, thanks to you, working on another shift. Let's go!
"That's when Sadie said,
"'Love will always help you find your way home."'
Sleeping. Sleeping.
That was easy.
Paula, you know I love you.
I gotta.
Hey.
I'm sorry.
Me, too.
That stuff I said...
I know.
Can I sleep in the bed tonight?
I'd like that.
All right.
Come here. Yeah.
Handle with care.
Larry...
Don't let him sleep on top of me again, Larry.
Don't do the voice. I will kill you, I swear.
Okay, then.
Hey! Hey, hey!
You ready for your big day, little man?
Big day?
My audition, Dad. Me and Uncle Chuck have been practicing for weeks.
He wanted to work with you, but I was around, so...
Why don't you do one last rehearsal, let your father play the Annie role?
Fabulicious! I'll get my music!
Did you hear that? It's fabulicious!
Hey, come on, come on. Okay.
May, me, my, mo, mo Me, my, mo, may
Anything you can do, I can do better I can do anything better than you
No, you can't Yes, I can
No, you can't
Yes, I can, yes, I can
Yes, he can! Hit it!
There's my star!
Turn it around, and a flip, flip, flip, flippety-flip and a skip.
Double-time!
And a Russian split!
Oh, you nailed it!
My kid is pretty awesome.
There's only one guy I know who can dance better than that.
Who? The homeless guy from our wedding.
That dude was pretty good. Yeah!
Balls and wieners.
Is it true?
Alex?
Look at this.
Sixteen depositions from women who claim to have slept with you
over the last year and a half.
Just 16?
Thank God the 500 other ones couldn't read or write.
Wait a minute. You knew about him and all these women?
Alex, know what it is? We've been through this before.
Chuck's...
He's got a bit of a problem.
He messes around with women because
he's ashamed of being gay.
Now, is it all just about you,
or do you really just don't consider anybody else's feelings?
No, I don't. I'm just a big gay jerk.
What are you doing? You know you like that.
Guys, guys, the shit is about to hit the fan, okay?
And if I'm gonna defend you,
I have to know the truth.
You have to look me in the eyes and tell me that you are gay
and that this marriage is legitimate.
Alex, we're gay, okay?
And we are married.
It's real.
Can you help us out?
Okay.
Okay. This investigation is gonna get rough.
They are gonna quiz you about every detail of your lives,
every aspect of your relationship.
But since you guys are telling the truth, then I'm sure you'll be fine.
Just for the record, I thought this was a man when I was with her.
Does that help us out at all?
Let's go over it again. Your birthday?
April 26th. Taurus.
Got it.
Yours?
September 9th. Virgo.
How about your favorite brand of underwear?
That would be Mr. Calvin Klein.
I can tell you my least favorite.
Whoa!
I love you, Mr. February!
You're going down! You're an abomination! Homo!
I'm on fire! Help me!
We're all with you, Larry!
Fear the queer!
Thou shalt not lie with men!
All right, Mr. February,
let's go show these guys how married we are.
What the heck?
What are you guys doing here?
We're here to apologize and back you up, like you always did for us.
Yeah, we all lost a lot of friends on this job that we will never get back.
We don't want to lose two more because we were being thickheaded.
Yeah. We're partners for life.
Not partners like youse two,
but you know what I mean.
Yeah.
I love youse guys.
That's all right, man.
Molest him! No, I'm just kidding. I'm kidding you, Nootz. I'm kidding.
Hey, Chuckie. Yeah?
I gotta ask you something. I mean... What's up?
...why'd you pick Larry?
I mean, I work out, I tweeze my unibrow.
Am I not good-looking enough for you or some shit?
No, no, no. Renaldo, you're just not my type.
You're a 10.
I just like them chubby. That's my thing.
I'm a 10!
You hear that? I'm a 10!
On a scale to 100.
You're just jealous 'cause gay guys like me.
Good morning, everyone. I'm Daniel Banks, City Council President,
and I'll be presiding over these proceedings.
It's going to be a long day, so let's dispense with the preliminaries
and just get started. Mr. Fitzer.
Thank you, Your Councilship.
It's for later.
Mr. Valentine, please tell us why you married Mr. Levine.
Love.
Yeah, yeah, that's what I'm talking about! Gay love!
Please sit down, sir.
Sorry.
Mr. Levine. Yeah.
Sixteen local women claim to have had
sexual relations with you as recently as mid-April,
including four Canadian strippers the morning of your "marriage."
That's true. I did have sexual relationships with them girls,
but I was kind of having a commitment issue.
Larry's forgiven me for that.
And that's all that counts to me is what Larry thinks.
That's right, Fitzer, you suck!
One more and you're out, sir.
Sorry, sir, you're cool. He sucks. I'm gay. I'm out. All right.
We should question them ex parte.
Gentlemen. Yeah?
At this time, we'd like to interview you individually.
Mr. Levine, please step outside.
Yeah. No problem.
I'll miss you.
I'll miss you, too, buddy.
I like it rough!
One for the road.
Like it rough.
I did the cooking until Chuck moved in.
The toilet was thankful.
He ain't the greatest chef in the world. I'm Wolfgang Puck to his Wolfgang Suck.
We met back in the fire academy in 1987.
I was top of our class.
He burned off his eyebrows first day. Gone.
Larry tried to eat the fire, I remember that.
His favorite song, Don't Fear the Reaper, Blue Oyster Cult.
You're Beautiful by James Blunt. And people think I'm the woman.
You're beautiful
Just gets me every time. I don't know.
You're beautiful
That is a nice song.
The thing he likes most about me is probably my love handles.
All of them.
I'd say my sweet, sensitive eyes, like that of a kitten.
The worst day we ever had on the job?
This little kid fell in a swimming pool.
Chuck was the first one there.
I dove in.
He pulled him out.
I worked on him.
Worked on him, worked on him, but...
And Larry stayed with me all that night.
I just couldn't get that kid out of my head.
When my wife died...
That was the worst.
...I collapsed.
He knew it was coming, but...
What we have, it's beyond friendship.
He's the best man I know.
I'd do anything for him.
I love him.
What's going on? How'd you do?
It was good. It was no problem.
You want me to grab those? See if they're real again?
I'm sorry?
I says are we done yet?
Not quite. They want to talk to the kids.
Now, why don't you tell us about their sleeping arrangements?
Dad and Uncle Chuck sleep in the same bed.
Do you know why?
'Cause they do everything together.
Just like Will and Grace.
It is kind of an unusual situation, isn't it?
Having two fathers?
I don't have two fathers.
I have my daddy,
and Uncle Chuck is more like a mommy, 'cause to me he seems like a girl.
Why am I the woman? I don't get it.
Okay, that's all, thank you.
Bottlenose dolphins.
Orcas, gray whales, harbor seals and West Indian manatees.
Huh?
Species that sometimes mate with the same sex.
Bottlenose dolphins, orcas, gray whales, harbor seals and West Indian manatees.
I didn't know that. But now I'm glad I do.
Thank you, my dear.
Remind me never to go skinny-dipping with the bottlenose dolphins.
I just have to say that as a fellow gay fireman...
He's gay, too?
That's right, fellas, I'm gay.
You guys have a problem with that?
No, no problem. You do whatever you like. Yeah.
And Chuck and Larry,
you've inspired me to want to find my soul mate.
Wherever he may be.
Hey, I'm a 10. I'm a 10.
You're not my type. Sorry.
Fitzer, can we wrap this up?
I just have one more question to ask,
if these gentlemen would indulge me for a moment.
By all means, Mr. Fitzer.
Chuck, Larry,
would you say that there's a fair amount of passion in your relationship?
Absolutely.
More passion than you can imagine, buddy.
Yes. How wonderful.
Now, if you'd be so kind, I'd like you to kiss each other.
You'd like to... What was that?
Councilman Banks, my clients have been more than accommodating.
And to ask for a display of intimacy in the middle of a crowded room
is simply demeaning.
I'm afraid I have to agree. We seem to have gone
from a hearing about fraud to some kind of weird gay witch hunt.
I'm just saying, Your Exellegance,
that if these two men are as in love as they say they are,
I don't see why this should be a problem.
I'm just asking for one kiss, Councilman.
Yeah! Come on, fellas, show them how real men kiss! Come on!
I will not stand for it! This is unbelievable! No. Absolutely not.
Hey, come on, no. The Councilman agreed.
It's demeaning to us.
Plus, we don't want to get you all horny. Me and this guy, we... It could get steamy.
Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!
Order.
Order!
Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!
I'm not doing this, Alex.
You know what? Just go for it.
Well? Order!
I guess it's showtime.
Going in straight...
Coming out gay?
Enough! I'd rather change my grandfather's diaper
than see two straight guys kissing.
But we're not straight.
We're not. We're in gay love, Captain!
Can't you deal with that? Oh, shut up.
If these gentlemen are gay, then I'm a one-legged parrot.
Anybody seen me with a crutch and a cracker?
I didn't think so.
And who might you be, sir?
Captain Phineas J. Tucker, Councilman.
You may search my record. I hold multiple citations
from Mayor Dinkins, Mayor Koch and, of course, the great Mayor Giuliani.
And let me tell you something. These men definitely broke the rules.
They lied on a government form and they swore it was true,
which is despicable.
But interestingly enough, Excellency,
even though they were deceitful to us all,
I actually believe they ended up doing some good.
What good are you speaking of, Captain?
Well, first off,
they let us know that when a friend is in need,
you go beyond extraordinary lengths to help out.
Whenever, whatever. That's the code.
Then they apparently inspired fellow firefighter Fred G. Duncan
to come out of his super-sized closet,
thus releasing his rage
and preventing what looked like to be an inevitable killing spree.
And most importantly,
they showed us that no matter whom we choose to love,
be they heterosexual, homosexual, asexual, bisexual, trisexual, quadrisexual,
pansexual, transsexual, omnisexual,
or that thing where the chick ties the belt around your neck and tinkles on a balloon,
it has absolutely nothing to do with who we are as people.
It's true, Councilman Banks.
Let them know.
We're not gay.
No.
Unfortunately, we hurt people,
people we wouldn't want to hurt in a million years, by doing what we did.
For the record, the word "faggot," that's a bad word.
Don't use it. I used to say it more than anybody,
but I was ignorant. It's hurtful.
It's like "kike" for me.
Or "fat boy" for me.
It stings a little when you poke fun of my weight.
I didn't know that. Yeah, sometimes it...
I only do it 'cause you do it. I know, but I work hard...
What is this? Gays of Our Lives?
Shall we cue the violins?
This isn't a folk concert, it's a hearing.
And I believe I hear the sound of two felons going to jail
for stealing from the City of New York.
What exactly have we stolen? Nothing!
Due to a weird rule in a flawed system,
my friend Larry here had to create this lie.
The system may be flawed at times, Mr. Feb-blueberry.
"I'm in a calendar!"
But it's the law. And we all have to abide by it.
I'm sorry, but you did break the law.
Oh, God.
Daddy!
Councilman Banks. Councilman.
Well, you better have cuffs for three,
because I'm going to jail with them.
How is that, Captain?
I'm a co-conspirator. I knew all about this little scam
from day one, and I didn't say a thing about it.
Captain! You don't have to do this. Please.
Yeah, he didn't know nothing.
Fine. I'll have all three of you arrested.
Slap some cuffs on me, 'cause I helped them plan the wedding.
I drove them to the airport.
I picked out Chuck's dress.
Yeah, I knew about it.
Dress? Why does everybody assume I'm the woman?
Is it the way I walk? What is it?
And I caught the bouquet! In my mouth. I liked it.
See, that's the way it works with us firemen, sir.
You throw one of us in the fire, we all go rushing in.
You throw one of us in jail, you gotta throw the whole lot of us in jail.
So? What's it gonna be?
Everything would have been fine if you'd just let
me and Larry make out like we were gonna.
Then you had to go all Knute Rockne on us.
I am your commanding officer. I will not be addressed in that manner.
Not in here you're not, you porcupine-head.
No, in here you're the big mouth who got us locked up.
We should whup your ass!
Yeah! Yeah!
That's right.
Hey, Chuck.
Jeez, Larry. What?
Free Chuck and Larry! Free Chuck and Larry!
What?
Yo, dum-dums! You got a visitor.
Well, gentlemen, that was quite a hearing.
Mr. Levine, Mr. Valentine.
All right.
The city would like to offer you a deal.
We're willing to drop all charges and allow you to keep your benefits,
with two conditions.
One, you plead guilty to falsifying a government form.
The charge is reduced to a misdemeanor, you get a slap on the wrist,
and the city saves face.
Done. Done. Absolutely.
Two, you are celebrities in the gay community now.
They've obviously not only accepted your apology,
they think you're heroes.
Now, raising money for AIDS research is still very crucial,
and the community has figured out a way for you all to help.
Whatever it takes. Yeah.
What do you need us to do? We're in.
These two guys right here talking about doing something pretty serious.
Making a commitment to love each other forever.
Now before, they were on the down-low, living a life that was a lie.
Now, in a lie, it's like a circle.
It never ends.
You know? It's not like a rectangle.
'Cause that has a bunch of, you know, places that stop.
This one is a big circle of...
Okay, you know, wrap up the circle thing. Come on.
Moving on.
I'm gonna move quicker now.
Do you, Kevin "Butterfly" McDonough,
take Fred G. Duncan to be your lawful wedded partner?
I dizoo.
And do you, Fred G. Duncan,
take this guy over here to be your lawfully wedded partner?
I do.
Well, then, by the power vested in me
by the Commonwealth of Canada and the Province of Ontario,
which has always been very pro-gay, unlike that uptight country to the south,
it's my pleasure to now pronounce you husband and husband, partners for life.
There's my lawyer.
You don't wanna dance, do you?
I don't think so.
Your brother forgave me. Now, why can't you?
Well, my brother wasn't the one that you felt up under false pretenses.
You mean you only let me touch your boobs 'cause you thought I was gay?
That's sexist.
I could bring that to the courtroom. You could be my lawyer.
Look at Larry, though.
Looks like he took my advice and moved on.
Which is great for him, but I don't have anybody to hang out with anymore.
I mean, these bracelets here... It says, "Friends forever."
I haven't taken this thing off since we made them that day. You?
Yeah, that's what I thought.
Well, you've got about 30 seconds before I come to my senses.
Really? Yes.
And this is my jam, too. Come on.
What a delicious-looking cake!
Oh, maybe Tori would like to try it.
That's nice. You gay, her father. It's nice.
No, I'm not gay. This is Larry's daughter, Tori.
Oh, it's okay, man. You can come out of the down-low.
I don't have to come out! I'm married.
Which one's your husband? You point him out.
No, no! The lady in there.
Which guy?
No, no guy. No.
Hey, you know when you lie, it's like a circle.
I'm not lying!